She cursed herself
Some time back I have gone through her diaries. Reading other’s diary is not ethical, I know. Since she is not alive, I did it.
I could not control myself when reading some incidents she narrated in the diary. Felt ashamed of myself as I was unaware of those unbearable experiences as a husband all these years. I realised my utter failure in discharging my duties in that role.
One day, during the early days of setting up of our separate family, she went to a near by pachari shop to purchase rice as the original khatha shop owner refused to give commodities due to our failure to clear the old dues. In the new shop she purchased 1/4th kilo of rice just sufficient to prepare lunch for that day by that time I come back from office. Though the shop owner refused to sell rice in such small quantities, some how she convinced the shop owner and bought rice as she was having that much money only at her disposal.
Writing this in her diary, she concluded like this.
“Is this sort of a life I expected from the marriage? I curse myself!”
Really a shocking statement for any husband.
May be at that moment she must have decided, when good times come, to prepare and serve food to any one who comes to our house even in odd hours. This was evident during our Moscow days when lots of telugu students studying in various universities in Moscow used to have both lunch and dinner prepared by my wife Nirmala single-handedly at our place on all Saturdays and Sundays.
One year after her death I met one person in Jwala’s place. He is a wealthy Indo American citizen happily settled in US. I could not place him in the first instance. Understanding my predicament, he narrated a story about my wife.
“I am a friend of Venkanna, your sister’s son. I came to your house many a times. When I was in India, both Venkanna and myself used to spend evenings somewhere till late in the night. When we realize that nothing is available to eat in hotels at that hour, Venkanna used to say with confidence, that there is one place in the entire twin cities where food is available 24 hours. He says proudly that his aunt Durgattayya never send any one back with empty stomach, and takes our entire troupe to your house in Erramanjil Officers colony. Like that I had food several times in your house at very odd hours. She never mind to cook food then and there when unexpected guests turn up at even mid night. In a way, I am indebted much to her. My condolences to you for loosing such a noble woman in your life”